


How the Doof Stole Christmas

by kouredios



Category: How the Grinch Stole Christmas! - Dr. Seuss, Phineas and Ferb
Genre: Bad Poetry, Crossover, Gen, Seussian meter, Yuletide, Yuletide 2012
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-05
Updated: 2012-12-05
Packaged: 2017-11-20 08:35:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,415
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/583354
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kouredios/pseuds/kouredios
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Everybody in Danville<br/>Liked Christmas a lot.</p><p>But the Doof,<br/>Who lived in a tower looking over the Tri-state area,<br/>Did NOT!</p><p>My apologies to Dr. Seuss.</p>
            </blockquote>





	How the Doof Stole Christmas

**Author's Note:**

  * For [lunarknightz](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lunarknightz/gifts).



> Many, many thanks for the superior poetics support by my beta Kass. <3

Everybody in Danville  
Liked Christmas a lot.

But the Doof,  
Who lived in a tower looking over the Tri-state area,  
Did NOT!

The Doof hated Christmas! Roger got the best toys.  
Their Mom loved him best, out of all of the boys.  
All because he played kickball, much better than most,  
And because the young Doof couldn’t kick past a post.

And so this sad Doof, with his heart shriveled tight,  
Hated Christmas so much, and with all of his might,  
Wished that he could invent a simple -inator  
That would stuff all of Christmas back into the crater  
Made when Perry the Platypus killed his last plan  
To blow up all of Danville, instead hitting Spokane.

As the Doof stood atop his skyscraper lair,  
He observed the preparations they all took with care,  
At the warm lighted windows below in the town,  
At the wreaths and the holly, the wool and the down,  
At them hanging the stockings, and singing with cheer,  
Tomorrow is Christmas! It’s practically here!  
“I must find a way to stop Christmas from coming,”  
Said the Doof, as he scowled at two brothers humming  
Along down the lane, their arms loaded with gifts,  
As well as some items they carried in shifts,  
Because their great weight just had to be shared  
Between these two boys, step-brothers who cared  
For each other as if they had shared the same womb,  
Although they did not: just their pet and their room.

These boys were quite special, not just for their caring,  
But also for all of their doing and daring.  
These boys called unusually Phineas and Ferb  
Created inventions sublime and superb.  
Though Doof did not know this, nor did the boys’ mother  
All of their wondrous contraptions and other  
Amazing creations, ideas, and items  
Disappeared before any could happen to try them  
Save Baljeet and Buford, Isabella and Candace  
Who try as she might, couldn’t bust them, poor lass.

Doof looked at these boys, and at their brotherhood  
His hate tripled then, added up to no good  
He vowed then and there to take it all away  
Their warmth and their love and their Christmas day.

“I know just what I’ll do!” the Doof snickered and scoffed  
And he climbed all the way to the top of the loft  
Where he kept the -inator that he used when he plotted  
To transport all the presents--more than he was allotted  
Misled by a TV show he had filled his cart high  
To take all of the presents only for him to buy.  
All the holly and trimming and garlands and stockings  
But lost them; the -inator was broken--not shocking.  
And sending him back to his lair in the sky  
Decidedly not in December, July!  
One more reason to loosen his Christmassy hate  
On the brothers who walked down the street, past the grate...  
Darnit! They are gone! Well, Doof won’t let that stop him.  
He’ll use yet another -inator to swap them  
With versions of boys made from items left over  
From when he built Norm, and even moreover,  
He can use all the boys that he’ll build with those parts  
To take over the Tri-State! He’ll break ALL of their hearts.

But maybe this plan has gotten too long...  
Sometimes the best plan is simple and strong,  
Without all the hassle he forces into them  
This plan needs be simpler, he knows what to do then.

Doof whipped up a Santa suit, nifty and quick,  
And so just like that, he resembled Saint Nick.  
And then Norm who will always assist him with cheer  
Doofenshmirtz dressed him up like one giant reindeer.

“I feel festive!” exclaimed Norm as they sledded downtown  
Doof grumbled at him with a sneer and a frown,  
“Be quiet, you dunce. Reindeer, they don’t talk.  
You’ll ruin my plan. Just hitch up, and then walk!”

So Norm pulled the sleigh, which was loaded down tight,  
With empty bags and a tool kit, Doof thought that was right.  
For in order to break in and take down the tree  
He won’t fit down the chimney and did not have a key.

One more thing that he needed, an -inator to find  
Those two loving boys who were still on his mind.  
He punched in their descriptions, and set it to go  
Discover the place of the brothers’ chateau.

So when night had fallen, and Doof had all his gear,  
He followed the -inator to the home full of cheer,  
Where all the Flynn-Fletchers were singing and praising.  
Doof just could not stop himself sighing and gazing.

“They all look so happy!” he whined back to Norm,  
Who was humming along to “Jingle Bells,” looking warm  
And joyful and glad, but the Doof looked away.  
Anger filled his heart, empty bags filled the sleigh.  
So then he hid Norm and his sled in the yard  
Waiting for the Flynn-Fletchers to fall asleep hard.  
At that point he snuck in, with the help of his tool kit,  
And began to take down every Christmas decor bit.

But just as he’d started to chainsaw the tree,  
Doofenshmirtz heard a warble that stopped his cold glee  
As he turned his eyes grew to a size that was scary,  
Because what he saw was his enemy, Perry.

“Perry the Platypus!” exclaimed Doof, as he countered  
Agent P’s roundhouse kick at a height that was absurd  
For such a small semi-aquatic pet mammal  
Who grabbed from the manger to beat Doof with a camel.

“What are you doing here Perry?” ‘shmirtz asked,  
Though he never could get a straight answer at last.  
Perry only warbled, and attacked him again  
But we can assume he was sent there by M.

His work almost done, and no plan for a trap,  
Doofenshmirtz beat a healthy retreat back to zap  
Himself home to his tower apartment in shame,  
Wishing he had someone else he could blame.  
It would have to be good enough, he still had all the gifts  
And the tree was in pieces, needles piled high in drifts.

He had left Norm behind, as he often did do,  
But Norm walked home alone by the wall he broke through,  
And left the Flynn-Fletchers with not only no Christmas,  
But also a hole in their house on top of this.

Perry surveyed the damage and there made up his mind  
That he would save Christmas for all of mankind,  
Or at least for his family, who did love him so.  
That would be his gift, though they never could know.

So Perry returned to the scene of the crime,  
Where the Doof had his lair, and he started to climb  
Down the chimney that Doof had adorned with the stockings  
That he had just stolen; he was dancing and rocking.

“Oh, I am so evil! The evilest yet!  
L.O.V.E.M.U.F.F.I.N. would crown me their king I would bet,  
If they could see what I have done to the cheer,  
Of those boys, and escaped from Perry to get here.”

His -inator was still trained on the Flynn-Fletchers’ house,  
He hadn’t thought to re-aim it, that dastardly louse.  
Agent P just appeared and attacked with a kick  
And the -inator blew up, and it did it right quick.

Before it did so, the Christmas was sent back  
To the Flynn-Fletcher household--every single knick-knack,  
And the stockings and tinsel, the garlands and the tree.  
It even sent back a nice hot pot of tea.

The Doof looked at the house and -inator detritus  
And of course he cried, “Curse you, Perry the platypus!”  
But his heart wasn’t in it, and he turned and he sighed,  
“All I wanted was some of the Christmas denied  
To me when I was but a young Doof and ignored  
By my mother who loved only Roger who scored  
All the kickball runs, and left me alone out of spite.  
I feel bad that I did that, thanks for setting it right.”

Perry recalled all the times the Doof’s heart proved a soft one,  
And he smiled, and he held out a gift: a wrapped nerf gun.  
Doofenshmirtz squealed with joy at a present for him,  
And he pulled out the token he’d saved on a whim.  
For Perry, Doof had got a scarf fuzzy and green,  
Just the shade of his fur, like naught ever seen.  
The enemies hugged then, for just once a year,  
Even nemesises can share holiday cheer.


End file.
